I’m sorry, I feel I should clarify the answer my YW teacher gave me about what would happen to a faithful Mormon spinster. Turns out Sister Williams was… eliding the truth ever so slightly. Whether she was doing that because she was uncomfortable with the official Mormon doctrine (and she may have been – in contravention of the normal Mormon standard that a truly righteous woman wants only to be a mother, Sister Williams was a senior VP of something at Motorola, and often hired me to babysit. She also helped me fudge my way through the Young Women in Excellence program that was meant to parallel the boys’ Eagle Scout honors) or because she was participating in the time-honored Mormon habit of lying by omission also known as “putting the milk before the meat”, I do not know. The real answer is this:
If a righteous Mormon woman dies a spinster, she will become a plural wife to a faithful Priesthood holder in the Celestial Kingdom.
Yes, there is Polygamy in the Celestial Kingdom. Of course there is. This was explained to me as the natural consquence of women being more faithful in general than the male sex, and it wouldn’t be fair to exclude them from the Celestial Kingdom. At some point I did ask why, if women in general were more faithful, that men held the priesthood at all, and all the authority and whatnot, since, as a gender they were fairly mediocre. That always got a condescending chuckle, and the statement that women got to enjoy the sacred duty of giving birth, and that the Priesthood was just a consolation prize for the men. Which was a whole truckload of bullshit and even I knew that at 10.
Here’s another way that there’s Polygamy in Mormon heaven. Mormons get married and sealed “for time and all eternity” in the Temple. They don’t do big weddings, as Temple rites are generally secret – and ripped off from the freemasons, or so I’ve been told. I have only participated in Baptisms for the Dead, so I can’t tell you from first-hand experience. But I have it on good authority that when you are married, you and your spouse are given “secret” names, so that you can be called through the veil in the CK. When a Mormon couple gets divorced, the woman cannot marry in the Temple again unless she has the Sealing cancelled. This is extremely hard to do, and often Mormon ecclesiastical authorities will outright refuse her. However, a man can get re-married in the Temple. That means that he then has the secret names of two spouses that he can call through the veil. If a woman is able to have her previous Sealing cancelled, she is free to remarry in the Temple – because she will only belong to one man, not two.
Also, the big reward you get for qualifying to get into the Celestial Kingdom is that you and your spouse (and your sister-wives) will spend time and all eternity fucking (spiritually?) and having spirit babies that will go on to populate your very own planet. You see, according to Mormon theology, not only do we have a Heavenly Father, but we also have a Heavenly Mother, and Earth is their planet. By being faithful Mormons with wieners or sealed to them in arcane secret rituals, we will be rewarded by becoming just like God (and Mrs. God, who of course is given little to no credit whatsoever in the Mormon church, just like regular mothers) Himself.
And now you see why so many Christian churches think this shit is super-heretical. And also, why I wasn’t really interested in the Celestial Kingdom in the first place. Honestly, I’d rather go to Dog Heaven if I have a choice.
As a reward for reading all the way through this, here is a song that children in my cohort were encouraged to learn and perform at non-Sunday church related events.
nerdycellist 