At a loss

I have just begun a luxurious 4.5 day weekend and I have no idea what to do with myself. It has been nearly two weeks since we said goodbye to Ardala. Not a day has gone by that I don’t feel guilty for her last year, even though I know there’s probably nothing I could have done. The spondylosis which had made her left rear leg useless had already begun on the right rear leg weeks before the “incident” which may have been a disc, but was probably an FCE. Lacking the resources for an MRI or the desire to put her through more surgery, we’ll never know about that. But the spondylosis was definite, confirmed and progressive. I’m so sorry she suffered near the end.

But that is not why I’m typing here really. I’m bored. So much of our lives had been fitted around Ardala for the last year; timing when we would be home to take her out, timing her PT appointments to best coincide with both cash flow and free time. On the plus side, I had an instant “out” when attending gatherings. No one expects you to stay til the end of a party when you have a crippled dog at home. Now I have nothing to give shape to my days – no reason to get up early, stay up late, to get away from my desk. The trade off – the ability to make toast, run the dishwasher, vacuum with impunity – I’d  gladly give up for a healthy dog back. But then, she wasn’t actually “healthy” for a year.

If I had a little money I’d just drive somewhere, do something for three days. But – well, see above. I have no one to take care of and no cash to amuse myself. Maybe I’ll take up canning. Practice the cello some. Go through my Polish lessons. If anyone has any ideas, let me know!

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