Preface: My first defense against stress is extreme sarcasm, and sometimes I say some harsh, triggering things. Sometimes I even mean them. This is my own personal little diary. It’s not monetized, and it’s not an interactive blog for the purposes of open dialogue. Sometimes I don’t want to try and be rational. So if you leave a comment that in any way annoys me, I will delete it. It doesn’t mean we still can’t be friends…
When someone wants to curtail my constitutional rights, I have to admit, I get a little twitchy. But let’s be honest here: we’re not exactly behaving like a bunch of grown-ups when it comes to guns. I’ve looked at this logically and come up with the following plan.
Straight Men are no longer allowed to have access to guns.
Women and Gay people should be legally required to carry concealed weapons.
Look, I know many people who are gun enthusiasts. Who enjoy hunting and shooting, who feel more secure with a firearm. I also know and love many straight dudes. But seriously guys, you fellas are responsible for nearly all of the gun-related mass killings. You’re also responsible for the majority of violence against women and gays. So from now on, you don’t get to have guns any more. I’ll make an exception for hunting; I think hunting is actually less cruel than the way I procure my meat, and takes some skill. So straight dudes who want to hunt, well – you’ll be able to choose the non-automatic firearm of your dreams, which will be provided to you during hunting season, and will only work within designated hunting areas. It will have a breathalizer and can only be operated if you’re sober. When you leave the hunting area, the gun will go back to the Gun Library until next year. If you accidentally shoot someone’s livestock, pet, another person, you lose your hunting privileges.
Women and Gay people – you will be issued the (non-automatic) weapon of your choice, which, James-Bond-like, will have some sort of fancy technology that enables it to fire only when the registered owner is holding it. You will take a Shooter’s Ed course, which the richer high schools will offer to all gay and lady seniors. Then, as with your driver’s license, you will take a written and Behind-The-Trigger exam. You will continue to re-take the Shooter’s Ed course until you can shoot with a reasonable degree of accuracy. You will need to re-certify every other year, which may seem onerous, but it sounds like a hellofa lot more fun than a pap smear. You will carry your weapon on you at all times, and can be outfitted with a camera. In the event of sexual assualt – including ass- and tit-grabs by strangers – you may shoot the perp with impunity. This last privilege may disappear as soon as there are no longer male politicians and judges on the bench who think a woman can avoid pregnancy or rape because of our magical female bodies. Gays? You too! If you’re in a place, holding hands with another person of the same sex, and someone tries to give you a shove? Go ahead and shoot. When all gays enjoy the privilege of Concealed Carry, then the epithet “Homophobe” will finally be apt.
Women and gay people, don’t get too cocky – should you start mass-shooting people like the straight dudes have been doing for the last several years, you too will be relegated to hunting only. Let’s say three mass killings within the space of 5 years and your Gender/Sexual Preference will have their guns taken away.
Straight men – I understand you’re probably not thrilled that you’re going to lose your gun rights. You are welcome to join the armed forces, if they’ll have you. I understand there’s a lot more discipline involved than just sitting around talking about how if you had been allowed to wear your weapon into elementary schools you would have saved the day through your manly and heroic actions. You may notice that the vast, overwhelming majority of policy makers are also straight dudes. Why don’t you get your cohort together over beers, root- or otherwise, and discuss some of the reasons why so many straight men seem to fall apart and decide they need to kill people. Is it lack of mental health resources? A sea of unexamined privilege which leaves young straight dudes at a loss when it comes to dealing with disappointment? Have the Alpha Males around you brainstorm and figure out how you can prove that you’ll be more responsible from now on. Because I’m willing to accept that idea that “guns don’t kill people, people do”, but you need to police your Straight brethren better if you want them to have access to the pretty, pretty guns.